A Language of Compassion (Comunicación no violenta- Un lenguaje de vida, Gran Aldea Editores) by Marshall B. Rosenberg, PhD. NVC is both a technique and a philosophy.
“NVC is founded on language and communication skills that strengthen our ability to remain human, even under trying conditions. It contains nothing new; all that has been integrated into NVC has been known for centuries. The intent is to remind us about what we already know—about how we humans were meant to relate to one another—and to assist us in living in a way that concretely manifests this knowledge.
NVC guides us in reframing how we express ourselves and hear others. Instead of being habitual, automatic reactions, our words become conscious responses based firmly on an awareness of what we are perceiving, feeling, and wanting. We are led to express ourselves with honesty and clarity, while simultaneously paying others a respectful and empathic attention. In any exchange, we come to hear our own deeper needs and those of others. NVC trains us to observe carefully, and to be able to specify behaviors and conditions that are affecting us. We learn to identify and clearly articulate what we are concretely wanting in a given situation. The form is simple, yet powerfully transformative.”
Marshall Rosenberg has spent his life trying to answer these two questions:
What happens to disconnect us from our compassionate nature, leading us to behave violently and exploitatively?
And conversely, what allows some people to stay connected to their compassionate nature under even the most trying circumstances?
I (Laura) found Chapter 6 particularly interesting, where he skillfully delves into the difference between “asking” and “demanding”. He says that when we ask we know and accept beforehand that the other has the right to say “no”. When we demand, we tell the other person that something, possibly originated by us, will happen if they don’t do what we want.
He considers that if we aim at a smooth communication process, when we are going to ask for something a very good idea is to go inside first and check if in our internal dialogue we have,for example, something of the following:
He should .....(leave everything cleaner).
I deserve... (a pay rise).
I have the right... (to more time to rest).
When our needs are formulated in this way, if the others don’t do what we expect them to do in the way we expect them to do it, we tend to start to judge them negatively. This is a very clear indication that we have not formulated a request, but a strong demand. The way we express and share our needs will have a strong influence on the sort of response we will get from the other person. Consequently, he advises us to pay attention to the way we word our requests, the tone of voice we use, and the respect towards the decision of the other person to say “yes” or “no”.
Another interesting point he makes in Chapter 10 is about the source of anger. He considers that when we get angry it is never because of the situation or the person we claim has made us so angry. The situation or someone else’s behaviour can stimulate the anger, but not cause it. The only two things, according to the author, that cause anger or even rage are our own beliefs about how other people should behave and our internal judgements of those behaviours.
The great danger of unresolved anger is that the angry or enraged person tends to blame the person he is angry with, and in many cases, punish them in different ways: psychological or even physical aggression. A totally unfair situation that leads to so much war, violence and unhappiness in the world.
He adds that a form of communication which alienates us is, precisely, when we judge other people “morally”. We presuppose a wrong attitude from the other person when his behaviour does not agree, at least apparently, with our own personal values. The great problem arises when we start to judge people and situations from a very limited point of view. Sometimes with lack of information or even wrong information.
Another superb chapter is number 3, in which he describes the importance of observing what is happening without evaluating from our own set of beliefs and values. When we confuse both concepts, our comments may lead other people to feel we are critisising them, therefore, they will tend to resist us or what we are telling them. It is not the same to say: “Hank has not scored any goals”, which would be a comment derived from observation, than to say, “He plays badly” or “He is a bad football player”, which would represent an act of judgement.
The philosophy and ideas in this book can be used to improve communication in:
intimate relationships
families
schools
organizations and institutions
therapy and counseling
diplomatic and business negotiations
disputes and conflicts of any nature.
I strongly recommend it to all those RTNews readers and RT students who want to “clean the communication space” in their work environments, at home or any other groups of people they operate in. The insights they will get as they read it will surely make their lives and the lives of those around them a much more pleasant experience. A book not only to be read....but shared and put into practice.
For further information about NVC, visit
http://www.cnvargentina.com.ar/
LauraSzmuch
